Thursday, February 08, 2007

why do we fight so hard?

it's no secret to those close to me that this week has basically sucked. i know that's not an eloquent way to put it, but it's the best way to put.
i don't quite know how to express all that's running through my head, but i'm going to try. mostly because writing it out is theraputic for me.
this week i lost my purse, my license, my passport, a paycheck, and now my car. the lease assumption that paid for on my car never happened and i'm not able to do the lease buyout i had been planning. the most frustrating part is that, though the mistakes on the account were made by chrysler financial, no seems the least bit interested in making it right. their solution is to offer me a lease on a new car. and i was actually considering doing it. but i felt like i was making a decision out of fear and that i wasn't really thinking things through. so i told them i'd have to think about it.

today, i was working at genesis and beau gave me a copy of the song "psalm 145" by shand&shane and said 'i think you should listen to this.' have you ever read psalm 145? it's amazing. so i listened to the song most of the day today and finally felt myself starting to relax.

now, i'm sitting here in the coffee beanery in berkly. i was going to do some work, but i feel like i need to read my bible and spend some time with God instead. at least for a little while. so i closed my books and got out my bible and journal. as i started doing that, it occurred me that God seems to be changing the direction of my life. at least where finances are concerned (and that's a good thing.. the direction of my finances needs to be changed).

but changes are hard. and scary. and we (or *i*) try so hard to keep life going in the direction it's been going all along. why is that? why do we fight so hard to keep going in a direction that's not good or right for us? i've been praying and praying for God to guide me in getting my finances on track, and that's what He's doing. i'm not saying He's responsible for my purse getting stolen, but i think He's had something to do with the way this car lease has turned out.

if i were able to do the buyout, i'd be taking on an $8,000 car loan. as it stands now, it looks like i'll be able to pay cash for a $2500 car, have no monthly payment, and not have to have full insurance coverage. it's a much better financial situation, but getting there has been painful this week. and it's not over. i still have to find my way around for the next couple of weeks until i have all the money to pay for the car. and if, for some reason, that doesn't work out, i'll still have the money to pay cash for something else.

sometimes i'm not good at recognizing God's correction in my life, and i don't know if it's because i'm not sensitive to His moving, or because i get so focused on one particular direction that i can't see anything else. i'm like a horse w/blinders on... i can see what's right in front of me, but it never occurs to me to look right or left. unfortunately, that realization shows me that my focus hasn't been on God in this situation. i've been focused on *my* desired outcome, and i've just assumed that God wanted the same outcome i did. i never even asked Him.

why do we fight so hard to keep going in the same direction? am i the only one who does that?

3 Comments:

Blogger Cheryl said...

no, you are not the only one. i keep learning the same lessons over and over. sometimes in a short period of time. sometimes over years and years. all i can really say is, you are not alone in this...and...walk on...holding tight to His hand. He'll never leave you nor forsake you.

11:58 PM  
Blogger Stef said...

thanks :) i'm glad to hear i'm not the only one.

a friend of mine directed me to Psalm 145 yesterday. i've been reading and meditating on it all day.

2:19 PM  
Blogger JIMMY h said...

i think i keep going in a direction i know in my heart isn't the right one out of familiarity... doing something different, however more healthy or God-honoring, is scary & unpredictable... if i'm going to fail miserably, i like to know i'm going to fail miserably rather than try something else & trust God for a different outcome.

4:52 PM  

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