Wednesday, October 11, 2006

I feel like my relationship with God has taken a new twist. But I don't know how to put it into words. Lately it seems I'm learning about the rewards that come from persistence.
Perseverance is something I struggle with. Always have. I'm great at starting things. I love the exciting of new things. But, inevitably, the excitement wears off and the new thing takes work. Lots of work.

I've come to that place with my business. And I've spent the last two months looking for a way out. Looking for a "normal" job that will give me an easy out. But time and time again God asks me why I'm giving up. Of course... He knows the answer. This is when I always give up. When I hit that wall and suddenly realize that if I'm gonna make this thing work I've gotta dig in my heels, dig for a deeper level of commitment and persistence, and make something happen.

Of course, my tendancy to give up comes from my own self-doubt. I give because I don't believe I could make it work anyway. Whether it's business, ministry, or even a difficult relationship. I don' t think I have the power or ability to change things or make them better.

But over the last few weeks I've had to be persistent with some things. My business, my car, my finances, even some of my clients. At first it was hard. I could feel my face get flushed when I was on the phone with a client or my auto finance people. But this week, it was like someone flipped a switch. Suddenly the persistence felt good. Rather than feeling like I was "bothering" people, I felt perfectly justified and reasonable with my requests.

It's been a rocky few weeks. Actually, it's been a rocky few years, because I've always struggled with being assertive in certain areas of my life. People are always surprised to hear that because for the most part I'm a pretty strong person. But when it comes to areas relating to finances, I've always had a hard time. Funny... I just realized that it's all money-related stuff. Interesting.

And with that, I'm suddenly done reflecting. Guess I'm just tired.
Night all.


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