stop fighting it

i like intellectual things, and thoughts, and conversations.
pete and i hung out last night. was supposed to be this morning, but last minute changes...
it worked out for the best really 'cause i was able to stay home and work most of the day.

one of the things i appreciate so much about pete is that he always makes me think. he's one of the few people who will engage in conversations about stuff like biblical culture and theology and things like that.
and i've realized that it makes such a difference in my attitude.
i like research. i like learning about biblical culture, doing word studies, dissecting theology and doctrine.
last night when i got home, i actually knelt by my bed and prayed before going to sleep. i was so aware of God's presence that i couldn't help but acknowledge Him. that kind of heightened awareness of Him always happens when i study. i mean really study. with my concordances, bible dictionaries, historical texts.. gah! i love that kinda stuff!

our ability to reason is God-given. our intellect is part of our soul. i believe that. the brain, as a physical thing, has neurons that fire, chemicals that run through it, etc, etc. but it's our essence, our soul, that makes all the pieces fit. gives things order and reason.

when i don't engage that part of me on a regular basis, i feel less like me.

ladies and gentlemen...

meet 'spike': http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/1959/1587/1600/red%20betta.jpg
yes. that's the name of our fish. it seems appropriately inappropriate and unfitting for such a small fish. hence... it's perfect. :-)

come visit him. he likes visitors. at least.. i think he does. it's hard to tell really. we'll just say he does. he won't know the difference anyway.
or... maybe he will....
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on a side note: i'm really dizzy this morning. i'm not sure if it's because i haven't eaten, because i'm tired, or because i'm stressed. i think this is gonna be a hard day to get through. i'm feeling overwhelmed. the stress of getting my business off the ground, needing to make more $$ than i'm making, friends going through junk, just stuff stuff stuff... i think i'm just really tired, 'cause today is one of those days when i'm feeling guilty for not talking to my mom more often and not keeping in better touch w/chris and andrea, or with billie, i'm feeling guilty and "less than human" for not being able to make more money as a writer yet. there's just all this negativity swirling around. makes it hard to focus and i have to focus 'caus i have a deadline today and i have to be at churchill at 2:30.
so i'm going to stop being a drama queen and get back to work.

random-ness

ok, i know it sounds crazy, but i'm infatuated w/the lead singer from Incubus.
his voice absolutely invades me. i love listening to him sing. and i couldn't tell you why. i don't know what it is about him, or the way he sounds. it just totally gets me. honestly, if i turn on the radio and he's singing, i actually gasp.
could i be much more of a dork?


death cab concert friday night w/valerie was awesome! man, they're good live. and ben gibbard actually sounds like ben gibbard, which was a bonus.

go see the movie 'elizabeth town'. it's very cute and very clever.

why do we think they're right?

i've never understood the purpose of opinion polls.
i read an article this morning that says Bush's ratings have "fallen in the polls again"
who cares?
i don't understand why people think public opinion is right. it's opinion. opinion is the operative word there. but the media presents it as fact, and we accept it as fact. public opinion says x is bad, so it must be bad. why do we assume that?

let's be honest, how many members of the general public know enough about the presidential office, or how our government works, to have even an accurate opinion? what do most people base their opinion on? stuff they hear on the news? right.. 'cause that's a reliable source. most opinions are just someone else's opinion regurgitated. at least, that's what i've found.
everyone's upset about the war in iraq. but how much do they know about it? how much of their own reading and research have they done? have they heard or read stories from people who lived under Saddam's dictatorship? have they heard the stories of torture? execution? families fleeing the country for their own safety? have they investigated enough to find out that iraq has no basic infrastructure? no electric companies, no water treatment plants, barely any running water, no waste disposal. they live without the basic, foundational things we take for granted, and then we wonder why it's taking so long to help them get established.
people complain that we should be "taking care of our own", and yet the poorest of americans have more than the majority of the iraqi population.

i just finished reading a book written by missionaries in iraq. they told a story of the day saddam was captured. they said it was the first time the country seemed truly united. religious and political differences, for just a day, didn't matter anymore because people were celebrating saddam's capture. celebrating the idea that maybe they really could be free after all.
this wasn't meant to be a diatribe about iraq. just about opinion polls. but i guess people's opinion of the iraqi war is one that i don't understand so i naturally go there for my example.

anyhow... public opinion polls.... i just don't get the point.

oh my god, i'm buffy

go ahead and laugh, but i had a revelation while watching buffy during lunch yesterday.
first, a little background info, then details.
in one of the earlier seasons, another 'slayer' makes an appearance. her name is faith.
unlike buffy, faith loves being a slayer. she loves knowing she's gonna win. loves her strength, her freedom. unlike buffy, she enjoys her "calling" and her life. she gets the job done, but doesn't take things too seriously.
as much fun as i have watching the show, buffy's character irritates me. she's always gloomy, almost always hiding something from her friends, and she doesn't appreciate or enjoy the life she's called to.
now.. while i don't habitually hide things from my friends, i also don't enjoy my life like i should. yea, it's been hard to get my freelance writing career going. granted, i don't have much money, even though i have bills to pay. but God's called me to this. and i rarely enjoy it. so rather than being like faith who so completely embraces and loves who she is and what she's called to, i'm more like buffy, who's whiney and melodramatic and never quite happy.

and it's stupid.

hello! i get to spend my days writing. one of the things i love most to do. granted, i'm not all that enthused about the stuff i write (sales copy, etc... not very exciting) but i still get to write. i get to wake up every day and do something i love. and i just don't enjoy it like i should.

despite the fact that i've realized this, i'm not sure what to do about it.

faith would probably tell me to just get over myself. :-)

every memory

there's this song by nickleback, called photograph. here's the chorus:

"Every memory of looking out the back door
I have the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye goodbye

Every memory of walking out the front door
I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye goodbye"

the song is beautiful, but it wrecks me everytime i hear it. it always reminds me of hanging out in the condo w/billie and christine and how great that time was. it makes me miss them so much, i start wondering if i messed up by not moving to australia with them. of course, there's no easy answer. if i move there, i miss everyone here, and i miss my family. if i stay, i miss them and my family. if i move back to be with my family, i miss them and everyone here.

kinda sucks

and everyone will bite their tongues so hard they bleed

i've always wanted to do a talk on humpty dumpty
i've heard people say that the reason the king's men couldn't put him together again is because only God can do it.
the truth, only God can do it right. we try to put ourselves together all the time. the problem is that we try to put ourselves together the way we used to be. and we're not supposed to be like that. that's how we got broken in the first place.
so i'd love to take a big glass egg on stage, break it, and talk about letting God create something beautiful from the broken pieces. letting Him rea-arrange them the way they're supposed to be, so that we're finally right.