Wednesday, June 14, 2006

this is what i'm doing

i borrowed this from someone's web site. so if they happen to run across my blog, hopefully they won't mind me using it.

this is the best visual i can find to explain my spiritual life right now.
my "quiet time" has truly been quiet. neither me nor God have been saying much of anything. but i don't feel like He's abandoned me. and i don't sit wondering "why aren't you saying anything?" i seem perfectly content to just sit.

it feels as though i'm iniside, "me" is inside, roaming around looking for something. as though i'm exploring the caverns of my own soul. it's like i'm looking for something. seeking some deeper part of me, or maybe a deeper part of God - i'm not really sure.

it's the strangest place to be, 'cause i've never been here before. not like this. not with such a strange combination of outward inactivity and internal searching.

just like someone who's caving, it's as though i can almost see "myself", the real me, not the flesh and blood me, with her caving helmet and light, walking through the internal (eternal?) dark passages.... looking... searching. and on the outside, i'm so still. my times of worship, and of prayer are marked by silence. total. it almost feels like the "normal" Christian activities - reading my bible, praying, journaling - like they're more of a hinderance than a help. as though the concious activities distract the inner "me" who's gone looking for something.

and i've never felt such a distinct separation between the "flesh and blood" me, and the "spirit" me. it almost feels as though they're acting completly independant of one another. "flesh and blood" me has work to do (which i should be doing now, actually), groceries to buy, cats to feed, bible studies to go to, friends and family to hang out with. so she does those things. and it's almost as if the inner me is saying "ok.. you go ahead and do the stuff you need to do, i'm going to keep looking". and i think that's why i've felt so distracted lately. i feel like i'm constantly being pulled inside, searching... searching... searching....

so if you talk to me and i seem a little out of it, or distracted, or like i'm not paying attention, please don't take it personally.
i've just gone searching for.... something.


Blogger Aaron said...

Thankfully, you have been given the light of His Spirit, or you'd be screwed!

Hope to see you in the next 7 days, because I'm almost outta here, baby!

10:46 AM  

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