1am

it's 1am
Iamwideawake

well, not really wide awake, but that's the opening line of a poem i wrote once. it popped into my head and so... there it is.
sunday i'm having lunch w/ friends i haven't seen in probably a year. i told them about amsterdam and they immediately agreed to support my trip. i'm amazed at how many people have a special burden for amsterdam.
as for me... i can't stop thinking about being back. in just over a month, we'll be on the plane and on our way. i'm desperate to know once and for all if i should move there.
the thing with amsterdam is that it's an easy place to fall in love with. it's beautiful. stunning. the architecture, the waterways... it's romantic and captivating. and it's full of young people. amsterdam is where the youth of europe go to "find themselves", so it's teeming with high school and college students.
my prayer is that this would be a "the honeymoon is over" kind of trip. i want it to be hard, so that i know for certain if i'm drawn because i'm called or simply because it's such a beautiful place.
i've never wanted so badly to return to a place. and even now, the thought of leaving at the end of our trip makes me sad. and we haven't even arrived there yet! i can't wait to walk the streets... pass the cafes and the silly theatre between the zolder and leidesplein. see the cobblestone and brick streets, the tiny cars.. and all the bikes. i can't wait to hear the language, see the zolder, see the people again. i can't wait to see heidi and linda. to smell the water, and the coffee.
i'm excited, but i'm also scared, because i know i'm not ready. not emotionally, and certainly not spiritually. this trip will be intense. and i'm not prepared.
so if you think about it, send up a little prayer. for me. for the people on our team. and the people of amsterdam. pray for wisdom, for spiritual fortitude, and for genuine love. we can't go and just pretend. it won't work. if we're not real, we're doomed. and pray that i would know for certain why i'm so drawn, and what i'm meant to do about it.