Wednesday, June 28, 2006

and we're off!

this time tomorrow i'll be on a plane. i still don't feel like we're actually going. i haven't even packed yet.
i've stood at a crossroads for the last year. torn between america and amsterdam. over the next 10 days, i'm trusting God to make things clear.
i sit here, knowing what i *should* be typing. things like "it'll be so good to be back there again", and "i'm so excited". but the truth is... i'm not excited. what does that mean?
it's not as though i'm dreading the trip. i'm glad to be going. but in april, before we left for our trip, i was so excited i could hardly stand it. this time, it's different. maybe because i know there's more at stake. after our trip in april, i came back to michigan and thought "moving to amsterdam won't be that bad. there's not much keeping me here in america anyway."
but now there are reasons to stay. there are ministries and ministry leaders and there's potential for some really really great things. and suddenly, what was so clear in april is not so clear now. christine says i need to set all the questions aside during the next 10 days and simply commune with God. set all the questions aside. that's gonna be tough, 'cause there are a lot of them running through my head. questions about calling, about vision, about obedience, about surrender. and the biggest question of all ... "what if i'm wrong?"
two and a half years ago, God moved me from one church to another. He said "go", so i went. i left a ministry full of kids whom i loved like family. and it was devestating. suddenly there's a very real possibility that i'll have to do that all over again. and i'm confused. and i'm dreading the thought of having to experience that kind of hurt again. life is one big question mark, and i don't like it.

"someday all that's crazy, all that's unexplained
will fall into place
and someday all that's hazy through a cloud of glass
will be clear at last
sometimes we're just waiting
for someday"

"every puzzle's missing piece
every unsolved mystery
more than half of every whole
rests in the hands that hold you
for someday"

i don't know where else to take all the questions and fear and sadness except to God. which is ironic since He's the One responsible for all the questions and fear and sadness. well... let me rephrase that... He's the One responsible for the circumstances that have caused all the questions and fear and sadness. one song i've been listening to a lot lately was written by one our worship leaders at church. i posted it a little while back. it's called "i believe".
i think, during our 10 days in amsterdam, the focus of my time with God is going to be finding scripture that goes with each verse of that song. for example - the verse "i believe in the future You give" gets the verse Jeremiah 29:11 (among others i'm sure). because i find myself listening to that song a lot lately. in the midst of the confusion and uncertainty and the sometimes outright sorrow, i don't know what else to do except choose to believe those things about God.

well... i need to pack. or possibly sleep. sleep is good.
it will be good to be in amsterdam.
it will be good to see everyone. walk the city streets. hear the bicycle and tram bells.
it will be good.


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