Saturday, July 08, 2006

I had the strangest thought tonight.
I was sitting at dinner with Courtney and Drew. It was a great night. The breeze was cool, but still comfortable. We had just ordered our meals and were talking a little about a lot of nothing.
And suddenly, I had the strangest thought.
One I'm certain I've never thought before, and especially not while in Amsterdam.
"I want to go home."
Me. In Amsterdam. I've never been here and wanted to be anywhere else, least of all in the United States. And yet, the thought comes back
"I want to go home."
And I think it has less to do with my "call" or lack-of to Amsterdam, and more with my overall state of mind. I'm tired. I'm certain that I've tried to hard to process. I've asked too many people and gotten too many opinions. I kept waiting, hoping, for someone to look me in the eye and say "Yes. You're supposed to be here" or "No, this isn't the place for you."
As a result, I'm tired and I want to go home.
Though it will take some time to process, I think I've learned a lot about myself this week. A lot about my motivations. I've (re)discovered that part of me likes the idea of being the hero and saving the world. I have delusions of grandeur. Of comming here and making a powerful, BIG, impact for God's kingdom. But the reality is that it won't happen that way here. Just like it doesn't happen that way back home. And I have to decide if I'm ok with that. Can I let go of my selfish need to be the hero, and come here and simply get to know a handful of people and make a godly impact on their lives? Is that enough? Is that enough of a reason to come here? Is it enough for me?
So, while I leave with more questions than I came with, I know I'm leaving with the right questions this time. And I know what the next step is. So I'll take that step, and work through those questions, and see what (if any) the next step is after the next step.

though I've come away with questions, I've come away with some answers, too.

1) I don't want to plant churches. A church plant simply means taking a group of Americans and starting an American-style church, even if the church is in a foreign country, and I don't want to do that.
2) I do want to, if I move someplace like Amsterdam, be part of a team whose focus is raising up indigenous leaders and equipping *them* to start a church.

That's really all I've got. It's not much, but it's something.


Blogger Kristi Kurtz said...

I love your honesty. I really enjoy reading your blog. Praying for God to speak to you about what He wants you to do. Love ya girl!

8:03 AM  
Blogger Cheryl said...

Wow, powerful insights. I have had that feeling of wanting to be home at points in my life too, I know exactly what you mean. I'll keep praying for your direction.

4:27 PM  

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