i gotta admit.. today i just want to be left alone
i'm frustrated
i'm so tired to trying to build relationships w/people who just aren't interested.
i'm tired of trying to be part of team that doesn't seem to have any room for me.
so... forget it
i'll just do my thing and if someone wants to join me they can, and if not... best of luck to you.

i'm better now

i moved a huge pile of stuff to val's today. the rest of the important stuff will go tomorrow and tomorrow night will be my first night sleeping there!
i painted, which always helps a place feel more like home. of course, val's has kind of always felt like home, which is sweet. what's even better is that i painted my wall orange!! it's so awesome. and the adjoining wall will be purple!! i know.. sounds strange, but they look really good together
(kinda like me and ben gibbard) ;-)
speaking of ben gibbard, death cab tickets go on sale saturday. only $25 to see one of the most creative, talented lyricists ever! how worth it is that!
ok.. i need to either go to sleep, do some work, or spend some time w/God. probably need to get some work done, then do some journaling.
i think i'm gonna start on a devotional book idea i've had for forever.
'night all

oh.. the pics. ben gibbard, and death cab for cutie.
to give you a sample of his lyrical genius, here are the lyrics for the song "Passenger Seat" of Transatlanticism
enjoy
i roll the window down
and then begin to breathe in
the darkest country road
and the strong scent of evergreen
from the passenger seat as you are driving me home.

then looking upwards
i strain my eyes and try
to tell the difference between shooting stars and satellites
from the passenger seat as you are driving me home.

"do they collide?"i ask and you smile.
with my feet on the dash
the world doesn't matter.

when you feel embarrassed then i'll be your pride
when you need directions then i'll be the guide
for all time.
for all time.

re-arranged

yep,
my whole afternoon has been re-arranged, but that's ok. it means i have more time to get work done.
i don't have anything earth shattering to say.
just had a free moment.
lunch yesterday w/aaron. good times. thanks for helping me this morning, and for the talk. it means the world to have a 'safe' place/friend to talk with. "nothing but love for ya" :-)
i've noticed that i find myself in the middle of a lot of situations. hearing both sides and realizing that we're gonna simply have to agree to disagree. sounds easy, doesn't it. i don't think girls every really grow up. there's always drama. always catfighting. whether they're 5 or 500. explains why i like hanging out w/boys better. 'cause i just don't get it. seriously.
i met w/lilian yesterday and she asked me if i find that people come to me a lot for advice, or if they need someone to talk to. i'd never really thought about it before, but they do. people open up to me fast. they tell me i'm "safe" and stuff like that. so lilian thinks i have some sort of counseling "call" on my life. i'm not sure it's a calling. it may be a gifting. why must we overspiritualize stuff? if you have a gift, use it. period. dont' worry about a "calling", just do what God's wired you to do.

k. that's enough.
back to work.
peace

and the pic is of a canal in amsterdam. this was our view from the zolder.
such a beautiful, romantic place. it'd be a great place to fall in love. ;-) ::sigh::

i know you've all been dying to see these!

2nd half of Cali trip

enjoy!

well, i finally did it. told Genesis i'm going on both missions trips, told Aquent that i'm no longer looking for a "staff" writing position, and started working w/Jason and Project311.

so to celebrate, i went and bought a new journal last night. new season of life = new journal. which is why i have like 10 of them! and so.... here we go!

over the weekend i volunteered at Calumet Holding Facility in Highland Park, with an organization called "Incarcerated Youth". it was cool. the program was a little flat, but these people pour so much of their lives into the kids, it's awesome. it was cool to be part of it.

sunday we had a guest speaker. he's the lead pastor of a church called "Scum of the Earth" in Denver. awesome. God used him to convict me and confirm some stuff. which is why i finally gave in and closed all the doors that needed to be closed.

ok.. i'm runnin' late. gotta go.

enjoy the pics!
peace

oh...and please.. no more "ad" comments for dish network and crap. that was lame.

had to post this, 'cause it's creepy accurate

Your Birthdate: September 30

Your birthday on the 30th day of the month shows individual self-expression is necessary for your happiness. You tend to have a good way of expressing yourself with words, certainly in a manner that is clear and understandable. You have a good chance of success in fields requiring skill with words. You can be very dramatic in your presentation and you may be a good actor or a natural mimic. You have a vivid imagination that can assist you in becoming a good writer or story-teller. Strong in your opinions, you always tend to think you are on the right side of an issue. There may be a tendency to scatter your energies and have a lot of loose ends in your work. You may have significant artistic talent and be very creative.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

this is the part where i freak out a little

so ok, here's the list:

2 missions trips between now and next april, total cost for both trips - $3200, and i feel really strongly that i should go on both, that i'm supposed to go on both

the article that i labored over for a northville newspaper may not get published (which means i may not get paid) because the newspaper changed hands

i'm officially the booking agent for Project 311 ministries - lots of work, little money to start with

bills are due

i'm moving in a week and haven't packed a thing

i just got turned down for yet another freelance writing job

i could have had an interview last week for a full-time writing job at an ad firm, but.. [insert sarcasm] lucky me.. i feel like God is asking me to stay freelance

i'm ready to go back to a nice, neat little life, despite the fact that i know i'd be miserable

this is the part where i realize i have a lot of growing up to do

it's also the part where aaron needs to come back home, join me for some awesome thai food, and make me laugh (as only he can do)

so for now i'm just gonna watch a movie and go to bed early and try it all again tomorrow

oh, and in case your wondering - the pic is of the church in Amsterdam. just about the most beautiful thing you've ever seen, isn't it.

pics have been posted for your viewing pleasure!

stef's Cali trip

15 min and out

yep. in 15 minutes i'm in the car, headed to the airport, headed home.
this morning was great.
i dropped kerrie off at the church 'cause she had a creative team meeting, then went to the beach for a couple hours. watched some kids learning to surf and thought "this would be a great place to raise a family". and it would be. kids go to surf camp here. surf camp. how sweet is that. and they play beach volleyball and rollerblade along the Pacific Ocean.
'course, the downside is that cost of living here is sick. $650,000 for a 1250sq ft home. yep. just because it's by the ocean.
but watching the kids surf was wonderful. then i drove back up to Palos Verdes and sat on the cliff for a little bit. then i happened across a path down the side of the cliff and made my way slowly down. it was a little scary, 'cause i had to to it barefoot (i had my flipflops on, not anticipating a mountain climb), but it was worth it. so i sat on the side of cliff for a few minutes and chatted with God. "embrace the life I've given you" he said to me this morning. "go after it w/passion and you'll be amazed at the results."
this morning it really hit me that i can do this. i can work and travel. i can go to australia for three months. i can visit my family. i can come back here to cali or go to vegas and hang out w/andrea.
and all the while, stuff is happening. i got another writing job while i was here. someone wants to book jason to speak in september. i have 2 meetings happening the day i get back. it's astounding. work hasn't missed a beat.
and so today.. sitting on the beach.. i thought to myself "i love my life. i can't believe i can do this." for the first time in a long time i can honestly say that i love my life. i can't believe it's working. that i can do what i'm doing. (a@ron.. remember our conversation a year ago? it was a year almost to the day.)
ok, i gotta finish up some stuff before i leave. pictures will be posted upon my return!
peace

my last full day

"you've opened my eyes to the wonder of you
you've captured my heart with this love
because nothing on earth is a beautiful as you."

that line has been running through my head this entire trip. it really puts it in perspective when you're looking at breath-taking mountains, oceans, valleys. that God is so much more beautiful than any of these things.

we're staying with a lady from the church. her name's Bridget. Billie and Christine - you guys would love her! she loves to travel and has been all over.
this morning, kerrie had a meeting and i hung around at Bridget's to do some work. a couple of her grandkids came over; josh and nick
josh just got his driver's permit, so we talked for a little while about driving and cars. he's a great kid. i asked him about getting his permit and this huge grin just took over his whole face. he was so excited.
and nick. nick is 7 yrs old and he's already a flirt. seriously. i was sitting in the living room working when they got there, and nick walked up behind the couch and was watching me work. i turned around to talk to him and he had that look in his eye that most chronic flirts have; that "you're the most important person in the room" look. and he's 7!!!!! i didn't know whether to be amused or apalled!
i've learned a lot on this trip. i have a lot to journal. tomorrow morning i'm gonna spend a couple hours on the beach while kerrie's at her meeting. God has shown me some really incredible things. most importantly, He's reinforced the fact that this kind of life can work, and that i want it to work. i love my life. for the first time in a long time, i can say that. i can say it an mean it.
and it feels really good. :-)
ok - i'm out.
pictures are coming. i promise.

twice in one day

why not, right?
today we drove through the mountains, into the desert of las vegas. i've discovered that my traveling companion and i have very different ways of "experiencing" the amazing scenery we've seen on this trip. her idea of "experiencing" is to slow down and take her time driving through it. my idea is to ACTUALLY GET OUT OF THE CAR!!! honestly, by the time we got to vegas i felt like i was gonna jump out of my skin. i have 5 senses. i like to engage them. seeing the mountains isn't enough. i want to smell the air, feel the ground under my feet, hear the birds and wildlife, taste the rain. so tomorrow morning i'm going for a long walk, maybe a run. i want to be out. no air conditioning, no controlled environment. just me, the elements and God.

tonight we're in las vegas, staying with the coli's. i've missed them so much. mostly andrea 'cause she's the one i'm closest with. it's been so great hanging out w/her and quinn. andrea's just an incredible woman. she's fun, energetic, intelligent, godly, wise.

still no pics to post. i think tomorrow i'm gonna hit a cvs and dump my memory card to cd.

today, as we were driving through the mountains, i started thinking about their beauty, and what it says about God. i came to the conclusion that: if the creation mirrors the creator, God is magnificantly beautiful. i was also struck by the realization that He simply spoke those things into existence, and yet He took the time (and takes the time) to fashion us with His own hands. the Grand Canyon exists because of God's words. we exist because of His touch. it astounds me that He chose to take the time creating us. not the mountains, canyons or oceans. and i know that the more precious a creation is, the more time and care the creator takes making it. He took time making us. molding us. psalm 139 says He knits us together. as beautiful as the mountains are, we, in God's eyes, are infinintely more beautiful. more precious. more valued. i'm in awe. the more He helps me understand how beautiful and valuable i am to Him, the more this world looses it's grip on me. the more i'm filled with His love, the more i want to share that love, to help others understand how beautiful and valuable they are.
what an indescribable God.

greetings from utah!

we're in St. George, Utah this morning. headed to las vegas for a couple days.
man! the scenery here is amazing. i've never felt so small.... tucked away amidst all the mountains, canyons and valleys. i keep hearing .. what's his name.. who teaches the 'come to papa' series. "you're the point". i'm the reason, you're the reason God created all of this. unbelievable.
it's mostly been a good trip. a little trying at times. my laptop isn't wireless, so this is the first time all week i've been able to be online. i've been a little stressed about my work, worried that i'd miss something 'cause i couldn't get on-line. but.. surprise surprise.. God is good. i got online at the hotel this morning, found that i'd been awarded a decent writing project and still had time to accept it. awesome!
we had breakfast with my mom on wednesday. it was so good to see her. of course, after we said good-bye and went on our way, i cried for about an hour and seriously thought about moving back to lincoln, or at least going to visit for a few weeks.

i've learned two valuable lessons already:
1)you can take the girl away from the farm, but...
it's true, i'm still a farm girl at heart. we hit nebraska on wednesday and i LOVED seeing all the cornfields and farms, etc, etc. kerrie thought i was nuts. :-0

2)i'm lucky to have grown up the way i did
i learned so many wonderful lessons, growing up in a farming community. kerrie pointed out that my upbringing explains the deep desire i have for close community. 'cause that's what i grew up with. my family was close. we took care of each other. and it wasn't a burden, it was an honor. though it was never expressed this way, i learned early on that it's an honor to have God entrust the care of others to you. it's a priviledge.

i'm sure there'll be more to come. right, now.. someone's waiting for the computer, so i gotta go.
peace!

if at first you don't succeed...

move to another blog site :-)
my buddy aaron started using this site a little while ago, and it's way cooler than the one i've been using, so i switched! :-)
i leave tomorrow for the california trip
i realized today that i'm really nErv.Ous. it's the first real test. i have some work to take w/me, so at least i'm off to a good start. i'm so used to travelling=not making any money that i'm kinda freakin' out.
but i'm certain this is something God wants me to do, so away i go.
to set the tone, here's a pic from Amsterdam; the first of (hopefully) many trips.
though, i must not be too worried, cause i just spent $40 to get my hair cut. :-) it's funny the things i'll spend money on. i hit thrift stores for clothes, used cd shops for music, but when it comes to my hair... there's just something about a good hair cut. if i could find the cable to connect my digi camer to my comupter, i'd show you a pic. ah well.. some other time :-)